this year was the worst of my life, and i’m glad grade 10 is over and i’m even happier that grade 11 is almost finished (well, first sem. anyways.)
i’ve made a lot of mistakes these past months. like, a lot of mistakes. i changed and it wasn’t for the better. experimenting got the worst of me and i’m left here trying to build myself back up to how i was, at least, in grade 9. I’m almost 17 and i’ve done nothing with my life, not even nothing, i’ve done negitive. if karma was currency i’d owe a thousand million dollars. i’ve hurt so many people and, not even that, i’ve hurt myself. it took a long time to realize i was on the wrong path, was making the wrong choices, and by that time i just decided i can’t do it anymore. i was stuck.
so that was when i tried to commit suicide, on august 3rd, 2013. i was air lifted to the sick kids hospital in toronto, where my mother was told i wouldn’t make it. i was three breathes short of death, as told when i woke up. it was a miracle. i’ve never believed in god before but i honestly think something was watching over me. the only thing that kept me from dying? the fact that i’m over weight. i’ve never loved myself or my body more since that day.
fast forward a few months, and i go to the hospital for a few months. i work on getting better. i take a good, hard look at myself. i figure out what the hell is wrong. turns out, i have something called borderline personality disorder. i get attached to people and often have trouble regulating my emotions, along with suicidal tendandies. my meds were switched and i worked on something called DBT, so hard i’ve never tried that hard at anything in my life. i rediscovered myself. i realized who i wanted to be, and now i’m trying to make that happen.
this is a message to all those that want to die, have tried to die, have trouble with alcohol or drugs, cutting, eating disorders, or even just having a bad day. i have been there. it is the worst pain you will ever feel in the world. there is nothing shittier than waking up and wishing you could be pulled under. this is to all the underdogs and over -achievers, people that believe they will never be good enough, people that believe they’ve lost it all, to thinking their friends hate them and maybe, even worse, you’ve lost someone important to you because of all this. it is a learning experience. keep your head up, focus on getting better, and never, ever, EVER, believe that thoughts are fact. they are not. you are better than what you believe you are. keep strong, guys.
Anonymous asked: i love you so much, sunshine. so fucking much. i need you, baby. forever and ever. please dont leave me. please dont cry, my love. you are my sunshine, remember? we're so close. we can make it, dear.
is that a fucking joke rn
it’s like i can’t keep anyone for longer than 5 minutes
i hate black girls
the sentence above is racist, but if you replace black girls with white girls you get a funny 1000+ note text post instead
Great news! If I only get 15 percent on both my exam and culminating for math, I’ll pass.